Everyone has that colleague. The one who asks too many questions. Or moves too fast. Or won't stop talking about people. Or won't stop pushing for action.
What if they're not difficult—just different?
The Reframe
"Difficult" often means "works differently than me." What feels obstructive to you might be their strength:
"They always slow things down with questions" → They're being thorough (Reasoning)
"They can never make up their mind" → They're exploring possibilities (Creating)
"They waste time on relationships" → They're building trust (Relating)
"They rush through everything" → They're driving results (Doing)
The behavior that frustrates you is likely valued somewhere—and probably contributes something you miss.
Common "Difficult" Labels Decoded
"They're too negative"
Style translation: Probably Reasoning. They're identifying risks and flaws.
What they bring: Quality assurance, risk mitigation
How to work with them: Show you value their concerns. Include them in review phases.
"They're unrealistic"
Style translation: Probably Creating. They're generating possibilities without constraints.
What they bring: Innovation, fresh perspectives
How to work with them: Separate ideation from evaluation. Explore ideas before dismissing.
"They're too emotional"
Style translation: Probably Relating. They're attuned to people impact.
What they bring: Emotional intelligence, relationship maintenance
How to work with them: Acknowledge human dimensions. Value their people insights.
"They're too pushy"
Style translation: Probably Doing. They're driving toward completion.
What they bring: Execution, accountability, momentum
How to work with them: Be clear about timelines. Appreciate their drive for results.
The Self-Reflection Question
When someone frustrates you, ask:
- What's their likely style?
- What might they be contributing that I don't see?
- Is my frustration about them being wrong, or them being different?
- How would I adapt if I understood this as style difference?
From Frustration to Collaboration
Step 1: Identify the style
Based on their behavior, what style are they likely operating from?
Step 2: Recognize the value
What does their style contribute that yours might not?
Step 3: Identify the friction
Where does their style clash with yours? What specifically bothers you?
Step 4: Design the bridge
How can you collaborate in ways that serve both styles?
What This Doesn't Mean
Style understanding doesn't mean:
- Tolerating genuinely bad behavior
- Excusing poor performance
- Avoiding necessary conversations
- Pretending everything is fine
Some people are actually difficult, regardless of style. But many aren't—they're just different. Knowing which is which matters.
The Transformation
When you reframe through style:
- Frustration decreases (it's not personal)
- Curiosity increases (what can they teach me?)
- Collaboration improves (I know how to work with them)
- Relationships strengthen (I see their value)
The difficult colleague might become a valued complement—once you understand what makes them tick.
